Fire Drills and Straws: Random Thoughts of the Week

Back when I was writing Rhymes with Ranga, I had a lot of random, crazy thoughts. I was in college and literally did nothing all day but think of ridiculous shit. I feel like I lost that when I started working, but I want to get back to it. Tweeting, and starting weird hypothetical arguments with my friends and then writing about it. I looked back at some of my old drafts from a few years ago and added them here. I also sprinkled in some of my modern day thoughts:

  • Why hasn’t a comedy movie ever won an Oscar for Best Picture? Has one ever even been nominated? I know the “academy” is super stuffy and ritzy art people who think silent films are a god send. But, has anyone ever been in an Academy Board Room meeting and been like “Hey guys, I thought Superbad was pretty good.” He would get kicked out immediately.
  • I knew I officially became a grown up when I went into a ski house for the weekend and realized the bottom bunk is way more convenient
  • You know what’s hilarious about growing up and becoming an adult? We still have firedrills. Like you’d think by the time you’re 18, you’d realize fire drills don’t do shit. Even when I was like 10 years old at school during firedrills, I was like “Yeah, this isn’t going to do shit if a fire ever actually happens. “OK EVERYONE THERE IS A FIRE SO LET’S GET IN AN ORDERLY SINGLE-FILE LINE IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER. NO TOMMY YOUR LAST NAME STARTS WITH AN S YOU HAVE TO GO BEHIND JESSICA. OK AND WE’RE GOING TO “WALK” DOWN THE HALLW… TOMMY NO RUNNING!” I swear to God, I once got detention for running during a fire drill. For running! During a FIRE! I was like, if anything Mrs. Durkin, I demonstrated perfect firedrill behavior. I didn’t say that, because I was 11. But it would’ve been cool if I did. All I’m saying is fire drills are stupid. So are seat belts on airplanes.
  •  Hey I have a question. Why do we translate country names into English? Like who decided to call that it Germany? That shit’s called fucking Deutschland, where the hell did we get “Germany” from? You know? It’s not even remotely close.
  • The other night my friend gave me shit for drinking a beer with a straw. I don’t understand why that was looked down upon. At a bar, that’s different. But if I’m at the Knicks game, or on the train home from work, and a straw is an option? Hell yeah I’m gonna drink my beer with a straw. You kidding? It goes down faster, it’s cleaner, and you don’t have to raise your arm all the way up to your face. That’s 3 pros and 0 cons. Yeah, you look like a pussy – but it’s practical is all I’m trying to say. We should really change the way we view straws as a society.I also think wine should come in Capri Sun packets. But that’s a different discussion for a different time.
  • The amount of people who talk to themselves in New York City is insane. Like statiscally it should be way lower. I probably see like 6 people a day who are talking to themselves – that’s how many you should see in like a decade. And it’s not even crazy homeless people or crackheads, it’s normal people like in the deli or in the elevator or on the subway. What is this city doing to people?
  • It must have been so nice to be a scientist back in like the 1600’s. You could have just observed the most obvious thing that no one noticed yet and just slap your name on it, and boom, your famous for having a “theory.” Ever heard of the Doppler Effect? You know the sound cars makes when they pass by you? Yeah, this guy just said, “Hey, the sound gets louder as it comes closer to you!” Slapped his name on it and now he’s in every textbook. Then again, Galileo was like “Yo, we revolve around the sun” and everyone was like “SATAN!!! KILL HIM!” So maybe it wasn’t so easy back then. What do I know?
  • I’ve completely changed my views on the whole “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays” argument. When I was young and naive I thought everyone should say Merry Christmas. I don’t know why, but I did. In the past few years I started saying “Happy Holidays” because hey, what’s the big fucking deal? I don’t wanna upset anyone. We should all be happy and nice. But recently I was at the grocery store and some guy says to me in the most obnoxious tone “Hey! Merry Christmas” and gives me a wink and a look that says “Am I right???” Like, he was saying “Hey, us Christians gotta stand together and not give in to this politically correct bullshit.” And that’s when I was like, you know what? Fuck those people. Because if I was on the other side, I wouldn’t be offended by someone saying that to me, and it never was that way. But now, since it’s become such a larger subject, those people who INSIST on saying Merry Christmas are just assholes. Psst… our President.
  • One thing we all have in common as human beings – no matter where you go in any corner of the world. We all will give the same answer when asked the definition of a noun.
  • Alright someone’s gotta say it. Chocolate ice cream tastes nothing like chocolate.


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